This week I have been taking my boys to their first Vacation Bible School. They didn't understand completely what it was but since they are so social, they were excited to play with new friends. I made sure we got there early on the first day to check in and see what the setup would be and then hung out while they did the opening songs and announcements. I then returned early to be there for the closing songs and story time. Why? Of course I wanted to hear what the boys were learning to try and help them learn songs, answer questions, etc. They were mostly interested in the prizes that lined the stage to be given out on the last day. Little did I know that the little gospel stories shared at the end of each day would impact me as much as they did.
Background, the short version: The past 3+ years have been a very hard bumpy roller coaster for me. I know, I know, that's life, right? Every time things were looking up and I felt that I could breathe, it wasn't long until I felt smacked back to the ground. I became angry at God; silly, I know, but the truth. I found it harder and harder to rely on the truths I had been raised with and believe that God wanted to take care of us and provide for us. I couldn't understand why a prayer seemed to be answered one day only to not matter the next because another huge obstacle was dropped in the way. As the time has past, my ability to see answered prayer, provided needs (and sometimes probably wants), and simply having a joy for life has diminished. I have come to realize just over this past week how even if I do realize a need provided, I don't have any excitement as I am simply waiting for the next slap. Very negative, I know.
The past few months have found me on a journey to find my joy. A few points so far that have encouraged me:
- Easter Sunday, a celebration of resurrection and forgiveness. The sermon I heard that day shared the commonly told church Easter story in a way that was relateable to my life. "Death of Hope" was what I was experiencing but was reminded that nothing in my life can't be changed. I choose to make changes in my life.
- A concert. I was taken to a concert by some awesome friends. I love music!! Anything with a good beat that I can dance to. My running playlist is quite the hodge podge of music. The lyrics of a song speak to me and I am moved when it relates to my life. I loved the song "Light up the Sky" by The Afters, as it spoke to my constant feeling of being alone. I mean, I 'know' in my head that I am not the only person in the world to feel the way I do, but a lot of times I still 'feel' that way. I am including the video in case you haven't heard it.
- Another sermon where I wrote down this note: "Ruts: Insanity-doing the same thing(s) over and over and over EXPECTING a different result." I was repeatedly choosing to focus on the negative things in my life and yet wanting to feel joy and happiness. Hadn't been working and yet I continued to only focus on the negative.
So, on to this week. I got a piece of mail with information that I was immedieately unhappy to read. Another slap. That same day, while sitting in on the closing song and teaching time at VBS, they sang a song with this chorus: "God is watching, watching over you. 24/7, watching over you ..." I know there are more words to the song but those are all I can remember. The tears came. They continued as I listened to the story and was reminded that God Listens to ME. Like a light bulb clicking on, I finally saw how much I have closed off my heart and chosen such a negative outlook.
To wrap it up (I can be very 'wordy' as my husband informs me), I am blessed with the most amazing husband, 3 beautiful kids, family and friends! Our life isn't as I saw it being but it is where we are and I am choosing to enjoy it to its fullest. I don't want to steal the wonderful easy-going joyful happiness from my kids. It won't be easy and I know that it is going to be a slow journey but here I am, jumping on. Thanks for your prayers, love, and encouragement!
