Trust

Trust. A powerful word. It takes time to establish but can be lost in a split second. The closer you get to someone, the more trust you give them and the easier it becomes to be hurt. But we have to remember that we are human, and therefore not perfect. I know that I have dealt with trust issues in multiple types of relationships, and I know that I have certainly hurt people I care about and damaged the trust we had.

What about God? I was taught at a young age to trust God for all our needs. As I grew up, I saw ways that He did and my trust and faith grew. Fast forward a bit, to the late summer of 2007 to be exact, and I found myself somewhere I NEVER thought I would be: quickly sinking into a deep postpartum depression. As I sank, fighting hard to keep my mask on straight and hide this flaw from those around me, I quickly began to turn my anger towards God. The more time that past, the more I wanted nothing to do with church or God. The past 4 years have been a very steep, very challenging up-hill climb (including several big falls) as I have learned much about myself and have wanted to find my joy in Christ again. The past 6 months have definitely held some excellent growth in this area and I have been feeling in a much better place spiritually than I have in a long time. BUT, I have still been struggling with truly trusting God to provide and seeing Him as faithful. This past Wednesday, while at Bible study, Beth Moore said a few words that have not stopped ringing in my head: I have stopped trusting God, because He hasn't done what I wanted Him to do. That was it. Those few words hit the nail square on the head as to where I am at. I had gotten back into church, a Bible study and fellowship with others, but I have been keeping my heart locked away, not allowing myself to trust so as to not be disappointed again. I felt convicted and yet oddly freed at the same time. I have been repeating these words over and over: He has never stopped being faithful to me or my family. He has never stopped providing for me or my family. My anger, frustration, loss of trust in Him has all been because I have not gotten my way. I refused to see the good things He has done because I put all my energy into 'demanding' big things from God and then hardening my heart more and more when these things didn't happen. Even now, as I type these words and thoughts, they sound silly. But it is my reality. Now that I have such a clear picture in my head (it is strangely similar to my daughter's tantrums), it makes it easier for me to work through it and catch the negative thoughts before they run away with me.

Whew. As tough as learning something you need to change about yourself can be, I also enjoy the happiness and relief that comes with it. Finally recognizing the wrong, acknowledging it, getting over the mountain and pressing forward really feels good. Ya, I know I will face this obstacle again (and again and again as I believe I am a slow learner here), but I am so glad that God will still be there. Thank You God for Loving me!! Thank you for not giving up on me!!

BFF's

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.

I saw the above phrase a week or so ago and knew it would be a great starter to this blog. As we are approaching the end of November, I am taking some time today to express my thankfulness for my Girl Friends! Once upon a time, I bought into the fairy tell that I should be liked by everyone and that it means everything to have lots of friends. I was walked on A LOT! I naturally began to prefer hanging out with guys as they are far less complicated. As the years have gone by, my view has changed, often with new milestones in my life (ie. marriage, kids, etc.). Through each stage of my life, I have made friends, loved friends, been hurt by friends, built friendships, hurt friends, lost friends, repaired friendships, gained new friends, outgrown friends, and on and on the cycle goes. This is why I love the phrase above: through all of my years, God has placed people around me who have each played a role (whether major or minor) in growing me into the person I am now. 

I have friendships that I have been sad to see go, but I try to hold on to the happy memories and hope that (if possible) these lost friendships may be restored one day. I have friendships that may not be as close as they once were due to miles between us or a change in circumstances, but we stay in touch and I enjoy catching up with them when we are able. I have new friendships that are still forming and I love getting to know them. I am Thankful for all of you and the ways you impact my life and encourage me, even if you aren't aware that you have!

Lastly, I have been extremely blessed with some AMAZING women whom I am proud to call BFF's. And when I say BFF, I mean Beautiful Fabulous Friends! I know they are here for me no matter what. They are honest with me, whether it is good or bad. They listen. They laugh. They hug. They cry. They pray. They Dance. LOL.They are wonderful! Have I been hurt by them? Yep. Have I hurt them? Yep. We are still human. But we talk about it and forgive each other. They are REAL friends. I am so very thankful for each of your friendships! You encourage me and bring joy each in your own special way! THANK YOU for being YOU!!

Framily

We made it to Turkey Day! I have missed a few 'days' of sharing reasons I am thankful but that is OK .. I really am trying to work on being aware of many blessings in my life. :)

Today I am thankful for Framily: my amazing friends that make up another family.  These are some fabulous families whom we do life with. Our kids play and are growing up together. We encourage and help each other. We hang out and have lots of fun together!  They are family by choice ... accepting one another for who they are because they want to, not just because they 'have' to.

Thank You God for blessing me with this amazing Framily!!! Love you all!!

Meet The In-Loves

So, I am a bit odd. I am one of those crazy people who doesn't shutter at the word In-law. I absolutely love mine!! And a few weeks ago, I heard the word In-love used in place of In-law and I have chosen to add it into my vocabulary. It really is so fitting, as we have become family through two people falling in love and getting married. That said, I am thankful today for my In-love family!! It is one big crazy party when we are all together!

Don and Lisa, aka Oma and Papa. They really are a second set of parents to me as I have been hanging around their family for the past 13 1/2 years. Lisa and I haven't always gotten along; I mean, I was a girl coming around interested in her first son. I have been coming to understand this feeling more lately as I hear my Weseley talk about girls chasing him. I feel that protective mama well up and I would probably be giving these girl a 'look' too :). She has listened to me. Comforted me. Delivered my Patrik. She continues to encourage and support me and I am grateful for that! Don is quiet and strong. When we have lived with them, I would always see him on his knees each morning praying for his family. I pray that my husband (and myself) would follow this example. He is an wonderful Papa and enjoys giving tractor rides to the boys. My husband is blessed to be a perfect mix of these two!!

The Girls. Paige is where it all began. My freshman year of high school, my brother was my locker partner, but when he decided to return to Windsor schools, Paige became my new locker buddy. As I got to know her and the people she knew, I of course met her big brother (so dreamy, LOL). The rest is history. She is the pancreas for her son Kreed, and is an amazing, strong woman! I truly admire her :). Jaeda is fun-loving and stylish. I have been known to take a picture of myself in an outfit and text it to her for her opinion. Her personality has many similarities to Justin so I often describe her as 'Justin with boobs'. She lives far away (Arizona far), but we girls make the most of our time together when we get it!!

The Boys. Well, there are a few (in case you are unaware, the Buxman's are great at making boys). Mitch is .. well, Mitch. He is unique and humorous :). Shane is next and he is currently off at college. He is very smart, a talented actor, and very caring of others. Then Trent. He was only 3 when I met this family and now he is driving! He is very entertaining and loves playing football. Lastly, there is Joey. He was adopted in but sure meshes well. My boys love kicking a soccer ball around with him! My boys love rough housing and playing with all their uncles, and it is often crazy to watch my boys and see glimpses of their uncles from the past.

Phew. That's just a small glimpse at my In-Loves. You are all amazing and I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! I am super thankful to be a part of your family!!

My Family

Today, I am thankful for My Family. While I have a wonderful extended family, I am specifically thankful today for my parents, my brother, and my sister. Family is very important to me. I can remember my dad talking about the importance of being there for each other. I have definitly grown to appreciate that the older I get.

My Mom. She birthed me, raised me, and has shaped me into woman I am today. She has been my friend; talking, laughing, crying. She has been a great support as I have become a mom and a great helper with my kids when I have needed her. I am blessed to know that she prays for me constantly! We may not always see eye-to-eye, but I know that she loves me, no matter what!!

My Daddy. I am a daddy's girl. He taught me how to drive (which my husband says is scary) and how to fix things (I am pretty good with a hammer). I loved to go to work with him! He has blessed me with thick hair, LOL. He was always there to lovingly discipline me when needed but also to hug me and let me cry too. And I don't think I will ever outgrow his hugs. I still have days where I just want my daddy to hug me and make it all better. Even today, when he stopped by my house to say HI, this 'big girl' just wanted to crawl into his lap and cry while he held me tight in his arms.

My Brother. He is super artistic and creative. He enjoys playing in the snow, on his snowmobile. We used to joke about how our birthdays should be switched cause his is in the summer and I love water stuff and mine is in the cold and snowy time, which he enjoys. I have always admired his adventerous nature and dedication. He has done many different things and has gained much knowledge from them. I always wished I had a big brother to watch out for me, but as we have grown, I have seen him be that protective brother. I am super proud of him!!

My Sister. She's the baby of our family. Over the years, I have struggled with many mixed feelings over our relationship. It is not quite the 'BFF' sister relationship often portrayed on TV and in movies. Her and I had a wonderful talk a few months back and we are both working to improve this. She is an amazing mom to my niece and nephew, and an extremely talented massuse. She got the singing talent and has a beautiful voice. One fond memory I enjoy thinking back on is her and I singing Amazing Grace, acapella, together. I thought we sounded pretty good :). She is back in school pursuing her degree and I am very proud of her too!!

Our family isn't perfect, but we love and support each other. I thank God for entrusting me to my parents and for gifting me with a super cool little brother and sister!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

My Diva Princess

What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice. That's what little girls are made of. Um, yeah. My little girl has some sugar but I am pretty sure she got stuck under the spice machine ;). She is a fireball, but I am so very thankful for my surprise blessing.

Almost 2 years ago, I had received a promotion at work and began a six week training to be a banker. This required me to commute to North Denver. About the 2nd week into training, I remember noticing these 'odd' feelings that I had only had in my previous pregnancies. We had decided that we were at a good point for me to return to work and had planned to wait awhile before having more kids, so as the feelings grew stronger, I went into denial. When I finally took a pregnancy test, the + sign popped up so quick, it was as if the test was laughing. And so we prepared for number 3. I was certainly crossing my fingers for a girl, but they are pretty rare in the Buxman family. I couldn't believe it when we saw our little baby in ultrasound and found out it was indeed a GIRL!!

In the week prior to her arrival, Justin had a large sign fall onto his leg and was to stay off of it. On Monday, July 26th, 2010, I was getting ready for work. As I stood looking at my clothes trying to decide what to wear, I was drawn to a comfy, flowing dress, just in case my water broke at work (which was my fear). At work, I called HR and decided to start my leave that day, as opposed to one week later. By late afternoon, I realized I was leaking. I quickly told my boss and we checked in my keys and I headed out. I went home, picked up my gimpy husband and some towels and then drove us to the hospital. Oh, the looks we got as I waddled into the maternity wing with my husband hobbling on his crutches :). I settled in not expecting it to be long (as my 2 previous labors were only 6 hours or less) but was also nervous as this was my first hospital birth. This nervousness quickly subsided as each of my nurses read our birth plan and were ready to help us in any way needed. This was great since Raia had her own plans right from the start. After a restless night, hours of pitocin, and an epidural, Raia finally joined us just before 11 pm on July 27th. She proved why I had decided to celebrate Patrik's Birthday early; that's right, she came on her brother's 3rd birthday :).

She looks like Weseley and acts like Patrik. She is already a tough little girly girl and she loves to wrestle with her daddy and brothers. She loves me doing her hair, and she loves shoes!! And she loves her Daddy! My mom told me how I would be cranky all day when I was a baby and then instantly turn into a happy sweet little girl when my dad walked in the door. I was, and still am a Daddy's girl and I now have one of my own, LOL. She does love me and we have lots of fun together, but she gets so excited to see her Daddy. She keeps me on my toes and wears me out some days, but I wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you God for our surprise gift!!

I LOVE YOU RAIA JADE!!!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday!! It is also marks one year since I began this blog. :) That said, today I am thankful for me! I know it sounds a bit conceited, so I will explain. The reason I started this blog was to share things that I have gone through, as well as things I have learned and am still learning. I strive to be real so that others can relate and feel like they are in good company :). The past year has held some great moments of growth for me. I have started embracing the REAL me, which took me a long time to find. I feel happy again and I am so excited to see the great things in store in the future.

I am just so thankful that God loves me so much, even during the times when I have wanted nothing much to do with Him. I am thankful for the daily opportunities He gives me to learn and grow into the person that He designed me to be. I am extremely thankful that my parents chose life and I am therefore thankful for ME!

Veterans Day

Happy Veterans Day!! Today I am very THANKFUL for each and every man and woman who has chosen to serve their country and fight for the Freedom that I have today!! I have family and friends who are proudly among this group of amazingly strong people!! They truly deserve more recognition than they often receive, but yet they graciously hold their heads high, proud of who they are and proud to serve their country. May we remember to Thank these courageous people more than just one day. And may we also remember to pray for their families, who also show such strength in supporting their loved one where ever they may be serving.

God, Thank you for these Men and Women, who have proudly served this great Country! And watch over those still serving today!!

Weseley Dene

Today I am THANKFUL for my handsome son, Weseley! He is my first born. After having had 2 miscarriages when we were first starting our family, he was a wonderful blessing from God!! We did everything we knew and were told to do (probably more with my OCD) in preparation for our first little person. We didn't find out the baby's gender, and even though a small part of me wanted a girl, a bigger part was hoping for a boy. Justin and I are both the oldest children in our families and I always wished that I had a big brother to be my protector. So really, I wanted a boy first to be that for our family; and really, with the Buxman gene, a boy was inevitable :). The pregnancy was great. I LOVED BEING PREGNANT!! Yep, one of those crazy ladies. We took Bradley classes as we prepared for a home delivery with our wonderful midwife, Judy. As the days grew closer (and then past) the due date, I anxiously awaited the arrival of our baby. Every woman you meet will tell you (whether you want to hear or not) their account of child birth, so when you are waiting on that first one, you are imagining every possible weird scenario (or at least I was). I was prepared for the worst. But it wasn't so bad. Things were moving at 11:00 pm on the 24th of March. I called my midwife and she headed our way. Justin went to wake his Mom, who didn't believe him at first, LOL. By 5:30am, the 25th of March, I was holding our perfect, beautiful baby boy.

He was SO easy!! I just loved being his MOMMY!! As the years have passed, it hasn't changed!! He is an extremely bright 5-year-old. He is kindergarten (already?!?!) and is enjoying every day of it! I am in awe of the changes I see daily in his ability to read and write. He loves numbers (like me :) ) and he is quite a little artist. He is a deep thinker and there isn't a gray area in his mind; very black and white. He is sensitive and caring and cuddly and he is most definitely a great Big Brother to Patrik and Raia. THANK YOU GOD FOR OUR SWEET BOY!!

I LOVE YOU WESELEY DENE!!

Older Wiser Women

Today I am thankful for the wonderful Bible Study group I have recently joined. I love the studies we are doing with teachings from Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, and Priscilla Shirer. They are such gifted teachers and wonderful mature women who never fail to inspire, convict and encourage me all at the same time. I love that a group of women can watch their video teachings and each walk away with something meaningful for their life and the season they are in. As Priscilla put it today, our Rama word; a general word that specifically applies to me. In her video today, she shared a story of hearing the Holy Spirit speak to her through a donkey, while she was helping a friend pull the stubborn donkey back to its home. This process took two hours, as the donkey was very stubborn, and she heard the Holy Spirit say, "doesn't this kinda look like you and me?" It most definitely is a fitting picture for me and the past 4 years of having my heart being 'tugged' at, trying to pull me back onto the path God has for me. I certainly still have these 'dig in my feet and pull back' kinda days and I know there will be more in the future, but I am grateful for a silly yet very applicable picture to have in my head. Thank you God for blessing these women (and many others) with such a special gift of being able to so eloquently teach other women.

Not only am I thankful for the wonderful studies and learning in this group but I am also so thankful for the wonderful women within this group. Many of them have known each other for different lengths of time and have been meeting for Bible Study for awhile, but they have made me feel so welcome!! They are REAL women, who openly share with one another. They listen to me without making me feel like they are judging me. The past few days have been some rough Mommy Days for me and I was so grateful to have one of these ladies listen and share some great ideas for me to try with my wonderful, strong-willed Patrik. I know that I am not in this season by chance and I am very blessed to have these women around me to encourage me through it!!

My Patrik

I had had a different blog in mind this morning when I woke up than the one I find myself typing now. But as I strive to be real with myself and the world around me, the blogs I write in my head often take on a new 'look' once I actually sit down to type. I am shaking with so many thoughts and emotions right now that I can't type quick enough. I know I will be having to edit this one so it doesn't read as a jumbled mess. I begin with a little back story.

On July 27th, 2007, I woke up (after having gotten a wonderful nights rest) and I just knew that it was the day we would meet our 2nd son. I told my hubby he wouldn't be working and I called my mother-in-law (who was also my midwife) to let her know that today was the day. Knowing how quickly my labor with my first had been, she insisted I get to her home right away. She was anxiously pacing as we arrived about an hour later (hey, my house needed a quick clean and she was only 5 min. away). Things were quick and smooth and within 4 hours, I was holding my beautiful Patrik. The mood quickly changed as I was hemorrhaging and before I knew it I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I felt fine throughout all of this, and it really ended up being nothing major, but it wasn't the way I envisioned our life with 2 kids beginning. Once home, I began the mommy life of caring for an infant and a 16-month old. Patrik was different. Very Different. I labeled him as being so difficult because he wasn't as easy as his brother had been: Great, right out of the gate I was comparing him to his big brother. Nothing seemed to be going right this time and I began a downward spiral into postpartum depression. I refused to admit this to anyone, including myself, as I had always wanted to be a mom and I couldn't understand why I would be having the feelings I was having. The harder I tried to figure things out and fix things, the more confused I became and the farther down I spiraled. Seven long months later, I finally reached out for help and began to climb up out of my dark pit of depression. That wasn't the end, however for today's sake, it is.

As Patrik has grown into the little man he is, I have struggled. He is so strong-willed and yet so sensitive. I already see a drive for perfection in him that I know I have pushed on him and it eats at me. I have spent so much of my young life trying to be perfect for everyone and to see how this is already taking root in my son, well, I just cry and feel as though I have failed him. I know I don't love him any less than his big brother but I struggle with feelings of distance as I look back over his first few years and don't see the same bonding as I had with my first. I found myself comparing him to his brother instead of treating him like the uniquely special little boy God created and blessed us with. Honestly, the light bulb clicked on just today how much he is like me.

All of this (and more I am sure) has brought me to a bit of a melt-down today. I am feeling failure, helplessness, regret, and overwhelming sadness. BUT more than all of that, I AM THANKFUL FOR MY WONDERFUL SON, PATRIK JAYMES!! He is one of my most special gifts from God and whom I have been entrusted with to raise and teach. I have peace in knowing that it is OK that I am not perfect and that I can change and be a better mommy to my precious boy! While these past few years have been tough, they have also helped me find the REAL me and continue to teach me and help me grow into a much better person. Thank you God for your strength and your un-ending love for me!! Thank you for all you are teaching me and will continue to teach me through Patrik!! Thank You for My Patrik!!

 I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU PATRIK!!

My Husband

Today I am thankful for my husband, Justin. He is my best friend and a wonderful daddy to our 3 beautiful kids. He works hard and makes sure that we are taken care of. He is a goofball that many people don't always get and there have been times that I have been (dare I say it) embarrassed. There have even been times that I have looked at other relationships and wondered why my husband couldn't be like that guy. You know why? Because God made him the way he is. And He made him for me!! I have come to realize that I was starting to put some unrealistic expectations (uh-oh) on my husband and then judging him for not meeting them when he had no idea. Oops. My Bad. These characteristics that I had begun to be embarrassed about were some of the main ones that drew me to him. He is my high-school sweetie, and when he still acts like the silly high school boy I fell in love with, I laugh. He can ALWAYS make me laugh. I can still remember the butterfly feeling in my stomach as I anticipated our first kiss (which was also my first kiss ever)! I still have the very first note he wrote to me in 9th grade that 'confesses his like' for me ;). We've had our ups and our downs, and I know more are to come, cause hey, that's Life. BUT for better or for worse, we will get through them together. I LOVE YOU JUSTIN BUXMAN!! And even when I ask you to warm up my car and I get in it 10 minutes later to find the cold air cranked on high, I will smile and Thank God that he gave me YOU!!!



Church Day

It's Sunday! And today I am thankful for the freedom I have to go and worship with others! I am also very thankful to be a part of a small but growing church where I don't feel like I am constantly being judged. I was raised in church but have struggled A LOT over the past few years with church and faith. I have held onto A LOT of anger and bitterness which I chose to 'blame' on God (silly, but true). I am thankful that through this time, God has never stopped loving me! Whether I wanted Him to be or not, He was by my side. I love feeling happy again and I look forward to church day!!

Health

Today I am thankful for our health. This past week has kept me pretty homebound as I have had sick kiddos. Even still, we are working on getting back to 100%. Along with this, I am thankful for great doctors and modern medicine. Last Sunday I had to take Weseley to the ER ad he was having some crazy breathing issues. We went to the medical center of the rockies in Loveland and they were fantastic. Even though simple colds can feel like they are lasting an eternity in Mommy Land, I am truly thankful to live where I can get the help I need to ensure my kids are healthy! Excuse me as I drink another cup of emergenC before bed. Good Night!

November Thankfulness

It's November! I love November: maybe because it is the wonderful month in which I was born or maybe because it hosts one of my favorite holiday meals! Either way, it is here :). I have once again seen people beginning to post something they are thankful for each day of this month and I have decided to jump onto this band wagon. One thing I have struggled a lot with over the past few years is seeing the positives in my life. I recently started a prayer journal to help in this area of my life and I think that setting out a goal of writing a Thankful Blog for 30 days will only help strengthen my 'positivity muscle'. I have a lot of blogs written in my head and am already seeing ways of re-writing them to not only share the things I have learned/am learning, but to put a thankful spin on them. Since I am already a few days behind, I will jump right in with some easy ones.

Nov.1: This was election day. Therefore, I am very thankful to live in a country of freedom. I am thankful that I have a right to vote and do my part (however small it may seem) to bring about changes that I would like to see.

Nov. 2: This would have been my Great Grandma Haugsdaul's birthday. I couldn't tell you how old she would have been but she passed away when I was 5. She had been my best friend. I spent many weekends at her house, baking, playing dress up, and going to garage sales. When she passed away, I cried a lot. Everyone told me I cried the most at her funeral. I think of her often when I am sewing as I was given many of her sewing things. I miss her lots and wonder what wonderful things she would have taught me if we had had more time together. I am thankful for the time I did get with her and the example she was for even a short time.

Nov. 3: I am thankful for the electricity! After living for 4 days without it last week (seemed longer! LOL), I was very happy that our 2nd snow of the season didn't bring any more power outages our way. I am working on remembering this fact and to not so easily take things for granted.

Nov. 4: TODAY!! I am thankful for my Crock Pot. Ya, it may sound silly, but I am!! I really do love to cook and bake, but after 3 kids and the craziness of each day, it can be quite tough to ensure a nice dinner is ready for us and my hard-working man. The past few months have brought on a new love for said Crock Pot, as I have discovered new recipes (CAKE IN A CROCK POT?!) and ideas. I love planning our menu for the week now! I am especially thankful when the days that seem to have the unexpected crazy bumps match up with the days I already have dinner cooking. :)

Alrighty. Four days in and off to a good start. My goal is to actually write every day, but I also have to be realistic :). The true goal is focus on positives and the many things I have to be Thankful for, and to not leave them in these 30 days of November but carry them all year long!

"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."  --  1 Thesselonians 5:16-18

It's Electric

The Electric Slide tune has been playing repeatedly in my mind the past couple days. I sometimes break into song and do the dance with hopes of seeing an XCell truck pull into our drive. But alas, it has not worked. As we are on day 4 with no electricity, I can't help but be in awe of those who have and still do live this way, whether by choice or not. If it was just Justin and I, it would be a bit easier. Or so I would think. It isn't that it is hard, just a very different thought process. We take each day one moment at a time. I STILL walk into rooms and flip the switch on :). I have occasionally walked to the microwave with my meal as if it will magically work and reheat my food. I am aware of the sun going down and make mad dashes around my home preparing for the few hours spent in candlelight and flashlight. I even put makeup on in the dark and shadow of a flashlight last night; good thing it wad for a costume and it wouldn't matter if I messed up, LOL. It had been a fun adventure. Stressful at times, sure, but hey it's only a few days!!
And guess what?!?! My most recent song and dance must have worked!!! As I sit typing this, 2 large XCell Crane trucks have pulled in!! Hallelujah!! Looks like today is our lucky day!!! Happy Saturday Everyone!!

Still Powerless

And it continues. Another day with no power. A crew has replaced the line running into our house, but we continue to wait on XCell. 'We can't give you an exact time but it will be before the end of business on Friday.' OK then. Move food out of freezer and fridge to snow banks until later when we can get some coolers with dry ice. Check. Watch the snow fall of off trees. Check. Clean the house. Why not. I have enjoyed this time of quietness (minus no music. I love my music) and getting to teach new things to our boys. I heated water and food on our heater. Justin made the kids dinner with a head lamp on. It has been a fun adventure. And it is still funny to me how I can so quickly forget that I am without power. I mean, I put my lunch in the microwave. I still walk into rooms and flick the light switch. And when trying to figure out how to do my hair before Raia's doctor appt this morning, I thought I could use a hair dryer but not my straightener. We really do forget how much we rely on electricity. Through it all, it has reminded me how in life I am powerless without God. I try, A LOT, to do things on my own and with my own strength, thoughts, power, but they often make things harder. Especially when I have to wait for His time (like waiting for the power to my house right now). I know God cares for me and wants to provide for me and my family and I want to learn to believe and fully trust this, not just 'know' it. I want to teach it to my kids. I am so thankful for all we have and that while we may feel lost without many of our electronic friends, we have heat, food, and each other. Thank You God!

Little House in the Country

I remember how much I enjoyed watching Little House on the Prairie as a little girl. For some reason, I always think about this show whenever the power goes out :). I know I take a lot for granted and I am definitely more aware of this on days like today. Right off the bat I realized that my phone battery was dying and I couldn't charge it. How would I know anything that is going on or be able to talk to anyone without my phone?! Thankfully, I have a car charger and my wonderful husband took it out to the car to charge when he left for work (which is why I can now write my blog ;)). We had a couple candles so we lit those and I would carry one around the house where I needed to go, or to just wander.  I felt as though I should be wearing a floor length night gown, LOL. I sat in our candle lit living room with the kids, who were making shadows with their Cars flashlights (thanks Paige!) and talked with them about why we had no electricity. I then excitedly discussed how I would make them some yummy oatmeal with my homemade applesauce when there was more light outside. Really Tonya? How are you going to make oatmeal when you can't use the microwave or the stove. Oh ya, I can't. Sorry boys, cold cereal today. Weseley in his young wisdom, began telling me that his tummy hurt and he couldn't go to school. This 'tummy ache' was quickly healed when he heard that there was no school today :). And so, here I sit, in a little house with no power, thinking about what projects I can complete that don't require power (looks like my pile of coupons will be getting cut and organized). I am missing my coffee and trying to figure out a backup dinner plan as my already planned menu called for the crock pot and it doesn't look like that will happen. I will make do with a mug of hot chocolate made with the hottest water from the tap. So I raise my mug and say CHEERS! Here's to a quiet day of staying snuggly warm in our little house in the country and enjoying precious time with my kids without the distractions of the numerous electricity driven gadgets in our world.

Fresh Look

What's in a name? I recall the hours I spent looking at name books when expecting our first child and looking up the different meanings associated with the names we liked. In the same fashion, I have been contemplating a  name change here on my blog, but was having a tough time deciding on what it should be. The original name was from a short story I wrote about myself and the postpartum depression I went through, and while it seemed fitting when I started my blog about a year ago, it doesn't anymore. Then, all of the sudden, in the wee hours of the early morning, while trying to fall back to sleep, it hit me! I awoke the next day and did a little research by looking up the root word -logy on Wiktionary:

a - branch of learning; study of a particular subject.
b - something said, or a way of speaking, a narrative.

How perfect?! The past 4 years have held incredible 'learning pockets', where I have learned so much about myself and who I truly am (not who everyone told me I was and who I tried to be for everyone). I am in another one right now, so the study of Tonya is quite fitting. BUT WAIT! The second form is equally fitting as my blog is my narrative of what I am learning; mostly so I can get the numerous thoughts out of my head (because they can have a crazy party in there when left unattended) but also to share with you (whoever you may be), that you can maybe learn something too. How often I have let myself stay trapped in a bubble of belief that NO ONE could possibly understand me!! But it is not true. We are all imperfect humans (not for lack of trying on my part, LOL) and struggle with the same core things, just maybe in a different situation. So I share. Take it as you will. :)

All that said, I believe I now have a completely fitting name for my blog. Welcome to TONYALOGY!

Finger Pointing

Friday morning, while waiting for the bus,  I noticed Weseley pointing at me and he seemed to be in deep thought. When he noticed me looking at him, he said, "did you know that when you point, there are still more fingers pointing at you?" "Really?" I asked. "Ya, I don't like it. How can I point without these other fingers pointing at me?" he replied. I was so impressed by our conversation, not to mention caught off guard, that I didn't know how to respond. As we continued watching for the bus, Weseley proceeded to try out some different 'pointing' methods. He used different fingers to point and twisted his little hand in various ways but always ended up with the same result; fingers pointing back at him. He finally decided that the best way to avoid this was to 'point' with a flat hand. The bus arrived and I hugged and kissed him and sent him off to school but our conversation has stuck with me. How much time do I spend 'pointing' at the people around me and not addressing my own problems? A LOT!  This goes along well with my previous post and is definitely another piece of my life puzzle that I choose to work on and improve. And I am so thankful that I was given this little reminder through my sweet-hearted little man. :)

"Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye," when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye."  ---  Matthew 7:1-5

Perception VS Reality

Perception: a - the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding. b - immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as of moral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition; discernment.

Reality: a - a real thing or fact. b - the state or quality of being real.

I have been been pondering on these two words a lot over the past few weeks. How often do we confuse them? More often than we probably realize or want to admit. We each have our own life and each has its own ups and downs. As our paths cross with family, friends, acquaintances, etc., we decide what we will and will not share. On the opposite side, as we hear what these people in our lives share with us, we form a perception. These can be piled on top of other perceptions (along with expectations we bring with us, but that is another blog) and pretty soon we are looking through this 'lense' that we have created. This lense becomes our reality and we begin to interpret every action and word through it. It is much easier to make our own perceptions reality (selfishly thought) as they usually fit into our life better. If I look to know the real reality, I may not like how it makes me feel. And so we float along, looking at the world, at our relationships, and sometimes even ourselves through our self created perspective.

Personal example time. Four years ago, I was in the midst of a personal battle with postpartum  depression. I had an 18 month old and a 2 month old. I was not OK. But I didn't tell anyone that. I always wanted to be a mom and didn't even want to admit to myself that I was struggling. I simply put on my Happy Mask if I was around anyone and would just cry or scream to myself at home. I very quickly became angry and hurt as I felt that those I felt closest to didn't reach out to me(expectation). I had days where I wanted to die. I had days where I wanted to pack up a bag and run far away. The reality was that I was being fake, even with those closest to me, so how could I expect them to know the truth? The reality also was, that each of those people had their own lives happening and I wasn't being very supportive when they may have needed me either. I learned a lot about myself through that dark time and I came out on the other side a somewhat stronger person (also another blog at some point), and the things that I learned then I have been constantly working on.

A more recent example came just a few weeks ago when someone close to me shared how they felt  that I felt about them (their perception of me). It stung. It wasn't truth but ouch. My brain had already kinda been on this journey but as this person and I were talking, so many thoughts were flooding in on this topic. It definitely puts the phrase 'Walk a mile in my shoes' into a completely new perspective ;).

I know that there are numerous more examples because I am not perfect and I have screwed up in many ways. The biggest thing I took out of my dark era of postpartum depression was ME. Finally seeing who I was and not who everyone else had told me I was. I got a tattoo that says, "Free to Be Me" as a daily reminder to be real. And I really try. With that, I am striving to refocus my lenses and gain a better handle on perception vs. reality. Hold me to it won't ya?

Thanks for listening to my rambling! Happy Thursday!

Change: Take 2

I'm back. I love to write. I have realized that I have A LOT of thoughts running wildly through my head that I need to 'write' down so my mind can rest. I have been re-reminded of many things in the past couple months and I am excited to share. When I stared my blog, almost a year ago now, I wanted an outlet to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. with others in a more organized fashion. I wanted to be open and honest so that others could be encouraged and know that they are not alone. It is so easy for us to say, "I understand." or "I've been there." but if we can't openly share that experience with the person, how meaningful are those words?

So, I am back to making some more changes. As I mentioned in my previous post titled Change, it is an important and neccessary process to keep us moving forward. This past month has brought several "AH-HA" or 'lightbulb' moments; some that have been tough to hear or realize. However, I am seeing things differently and making the choices I need to to accept changes I need to make. These changes will help me be a healthier and better ME, in turn helping me be a better Mommy, Wife, Sister, Friend, etc.

The first thing I am working on changing is how I use my time. This will help make a few other changes happen a bit smoothly, but it has been difficult for me to start. Having one boy in kidergarten full time and another boy in preschool part time has given me quite the free-time availability; so much so that in the past 2 weeks, I have had no idea what to do with myself and this free time. I love schedules and organization but iniating such has become a bit more difficult with little ones, than when it was just me or even just my husband and I. But No More Excuses. I am not making time for things that I want to be important in my life (ie. growing in God's Word, prayer, exercising) or for hobbies/interests (ie. sewing and teaching sewing classes, blogging) I have and this needs to change. Therefore, Monday morning will mark the start of my new schedule; balancing time for me to take care of me and still take care of my home, family, and friends.

I am excited and look forward to sharing, the good and the bad, not only to help get things written down and off my mind, but also as encouragement to whoever else out there may need it. Happy Friday!!

Dohs

I need to keep my phone away from Justin

VBS

This week I have been taking my boys to their first Vacation Bible School. They didn't understand completely what it was but since they are so social, they were excited to play with new friends. I made sure we got there early on the first day to check in and see what the setup would be and then hung out while they did the opening songs and announcements. I then returned early to be there for the closing songs and story time. Why? Of course I wanted to hear what the boys were learning to try and help them learn songs, answer questions, etc. They were mostly interested in the prizes that lined the stage to be given out on the last day. Little did I know that the little gospel stories shared at the end of each day would impact me as much as they did.

Background, the short version: The past 3+ years have been a very hard bumpy roller coaster for me. I know, I know, that's life, right? Every time things were looking up and I felt that I could breathe, it wasn't long until I felt smacked back to the ground. I became angry at God; silly, I know, but the truth. I found it harder and harder to rely on the truths I had been raised with and believe that God wanted to take care of us and provide for us. I couldn't understand why a prayer seemed to be answered one day only to not matter the next because another huge obstacle was dropped in the way. As the time has past, my ability to see answered prayer, provided needs (and sometimes probably wants), and simply having a joy for life has diminished. I have come to realize just over this past week how even if I do realize a need provided, I don't have any excitement as I am simply waiting for the next slap. Very negative, I know.

The past few months have found me on a journey to find my joy. A few points so far that have encouraged me:

• Easter Sunday, a celebration of resurrection and forgiveness. The sermon I heard that day shared the commonly told church Easter story in a way that was relateable to my life. "Death of Hope" was what I was experiencing but was reminded that nothing in my life can't be changed. I choose to make changes in my life.

• A concert. I was taken to a concert by some awesome friends. I love music!! Anything with a good beat that I can dance to. My running playlist is quite the hodge podge of music. The lyrics of a song speak to me and I am moved when it relates to my life. I loved the song "Light up the Sky" by The Afters, as it spoke to my constant feeling of being alone. I mean, I 'know' in my head that I am not the only person in the world to feel the way I do, but a lot of times I still 'feel' that way. I am including the video in case you haven't heard it.

• Another sermon where I wrote down this note: "Ruts: Insanity-doing the same thing(s) over and over and over EXPECTING a different result." I was repeatedly choosing to focus on the negative things in my life and yet wanting to feel joy and happiness. Hadn't been working and yet I continued to only focus on the negative.

So, on to this week. I got a piece of mail with information that I was immedieately unhappy to read. Another slap. That same day, while sitting in on the closing song and teaching time at VBS, they sang a song with this chorus: "God is watching, watching over you. 24/7, watching over you ..." I know there are more words to the song but those are all I can remember. The tears came. They continued as I listened to the story and was reminded that God Listens to ME. Like a light bulb clicking on, I finally saw how much I have closed off my heart and chosen such a negative outlook.

To wrap it up (I can be very 'wordy' as my husband informs me), I am blessed with the most amazing husband, 3 beautiful kids, family and friends! Our life isn't as I saw it being but it is where we are and I am choosing to enjoy it to its fullest. I don't want to steal the wonderful easy-going joyful happiness from my kids. It won't be easy and I know that it is going to be a slow journey but here I am, jumping on. Thanks for your prayers, love, and encouragement!

Dishes With Dawn

Dishes. We all have them. And some days, we ignore them more than others. For the past 5 years, I have lived without a dishwasher. Yep, I get to wash all our dishes by hand. The number of dishes needing cleaned has increased over that time with the addition of a few more kiddos :). I used to wish and hope and long for a dishwasher as I hated having 'dishwater' hands. I mean, I LOVE having my nails painted, but there is no point when I am having to wash dishes EVERY day by hand. I have gotten over that. I actually usually enjoy washing the dishes now, as it allows for 'talk to myself' time. Yep, I like to talk to myself. I discuss my day, straighten out thoughts in my head, plan for days to come, you name it. Oh, and sometimes, I vent! If I am really upset, I will find myself at the sink, scrubbing out my frustration on the dishes. I have decided that this is a great way to get that frustration out without exploding on some un-suspecting person. Another reason I enjoy my hand washing routine a bit more came about last year. We were shopping at Sam's Club and I knew I needed some dish soap, so I grabbed the first pack I saw: 3 bottles of a pink colored soap for $4.98 looked good to me. Little did I know how much I would love those bottles. It was the new Hand Renewal with Olay Beauty line by Dawn, the Pomegranate Splash scent. AMAZING!! I loved the smell and I also LOVED how wonderfully soft my hands felt after doing dishes! No more icky, greasy-feeling, dry hands for me. Now I don't use anything else. And, on a side note, I have to catch myself when squirting it into the sink as I find myself making fun swirly pictures with the soap, and then wonder why I go through the soap so fast. LOL. Anyways, this is my shout out to Dawn. Unlike the contestants on Top Chef: Just Desserts, who were always getting prizes from Dawn for their promotion of the Hand Renewal line, I know I will not receive such rewards. But that is OK. I will still give the shout out and recommend this wonderful dish soap to anyone who needs to hand wash some dishes. Scrub Scrub Away! 

Tears

I have already been on an emotional roller coaster this week. I pretty much live on one, so maybe a better description would be that the start of this week took me to a high point (excitement for a new week, business stuff, etc) but quickly dropped me to a low point, in what seemed like a 90 degree drop. It was one of the fastest drops I have had in awhile. As I continued to sulk yesterday, I decided to really think about what I was feeling and what had brought these feelings on. This was hard, as I don't always like finding the truth.

First, I've been having a rough time with my oldest son, which is hard for me as he has always been my easy-going well behaved child. After biting his sister twice (yes, leaving teeth marks) and making a mess with blue paint, I exploded. I found myself actually thinking, 'maybe I do want to go back to the working world' (which I hate). This leads right to another issue. ME TIME! After going through a long post pardom and self-discovery period 3 years ago, I know that I love being with my kids but have to make time for me, which has gotten less and less with 3 kids. Yesterday, this was bumming me because I have been excited to get back to the gym (where I get free childcare thanks to having a membership, which we were given for Christmas) for ME time after a few weeks of the kids and I being sick. After going for a short time, I headed to the gas station before heading home. Boo on gas prices!! I try to not complain (too much) about things that are out of my control, but I had to fight tears the whole way home. I couldn't justify spending the money on simple back and forth driving for me to go to the gym. 'Great,' I thought, 'another thing I have to sacrifice.' Selfish, I know, but it is real.

Lastly, I discovered the need for approval side creeping up again. I know this is a human part of all of us in one way or another, but I spent a lot of time in my younger years, striving for perfection in the effort to be who other's wanted me to be. I have dealt with a mixture of emotions around my drive to work my sewing business. I have days of pure joy and excitement with it as it is something I truly enjoy doing (and allows for a bit of ME time). But then, I have days like yesterday, where I am hit with sadness because I feel a lack of support from those who I value a lot. There it is, that people pleasing side trying to poke through. I am glad I caught it kinda early, as the more it pushes out, the more I lose who I am. Even now, I struggle with writing this blog as I don't want to hurt any one's feelings or have anyone think badly of me, but this is REAL. I hate fake and the energy it takes to be fake. I am already feeling better upon getting my thoughts out of my head and allowing myself to cry and be honest with myself. I also 'know' that I am not the only one in this big world who struggles with these feelings and that is why I write, to make even one other person feel better knowing (actually 'hearing' another person tell their story) they aren't alone. In fact, seeing a facebook post last night of someone feeling this same way is what helped inspire me to write this blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!

I LOVE MY KIDS and I know that I am right where I need to be!! I would love it to be an easy cake walk (mmm, cake), but I know that isn't realistic. When is life easy, right?

Hello April

A new month is starting today. I love the start of things. They make me feel like I can have a fresh start to the goals I had in previous months but didn't accomplish. I really like schedules and used to live by them a lot more than I do now. I have been trying to get back to one for both my kids benefit, and for mine. This schedule (which I wrote out and had hoped to start last month) involves gym time for mommy every day, school and craft time with my boys, and just general play and peace time with my kids. I love being a mommy but realize that I am a better mommy when I have the structure that I function well in. So, even though this morning hasn't started in the best way yet, I am determined to make this a successful month for me and my little family. :) And, since I know that it won't always work exactly as I foresee, I will also be working on my own personal growth in handling the days that don't go as I would like. To a new month .. Happy April!!

Icky Sickys

I hate being sick. Of course, I don't know anyone who really enjoys it. As the mama, I try to shield myself and my babies from what germs I can, but they still catch ya sometimes. And when they catch ME, they usually catch me good. I try to push through at first .. working harder than usual to keep up with the daily grind of our home. This will later bite me in the backside, as I ignore taking care of myself. This past week, this is exactly what happened. I had forgotten how much more work it is for mama to be sick with an infant. 2 weeks ago, when my boys were fighting the bug, I boosted my Vitamin C intake to try and boost my immune system and shielded Raia the best that I could. Then, Friday, it hit Raia and hard. My poor little girl is super congested and it is a struggle for her to even eat. Add on the fact that she pushed through her first tooth, she is just not so happy. Everything came to a wonderful emotional break down in the middle of the night on Saturday. I had finally gotten her to sleep at about 11 and fell into my own bed, EXHAUSTED! I was awoken to her screaming at 12:30 and tried (without success) to comfort her for about 30 min. Since she was going to scream whether I was holding her or not, I tucked her back into her crib and fell back into bed, crying myself to sleep to the sounds of my baby crying. Thanks to my wonderful hubby, I got some extra rest yesterday and my little princess slept much better last night. So here we are, onto another week, and although I feel like I am starting off 'behind schedule' as I didn't accomplish usual weekend cleaning activites, I know that I did what I needed to to take care of myself and my baby. Now to dump the toys in the tub to clean off the icky sickys! :)

Wanting my happy baby back soon!

Cupcakes

Yesterday we celebrated my son's 5th birthday with our families. Over the past week, as I made preparations for what I would make, I asked the birthday boy for his feedback. He listed off cakes he wanted, with a list growing to 6+ types of cake :). I let him choose the ice cream out at the store along with the type of kool-aid he would like. It was super fun allowing him to have a say. Saturday I started making the cupcakes, filling, and frosting; funfetti cup cakes with strawberry filling and strawberry cream cheese frosting, and chocolate cupcakes with whipped cream filling and buttercream frosting. I love making cupcakes and everything was coming together nicely, until the frosting. I got it all mixed together but it wouldn't set up like usual. I added powdered sugar and even let it chill in the fridge some before topping the cupcakes. To my dismay, nothing helped and while my cupcakes were frosted, the frosting spread out and ran over the sides instead of staying the peak like swirl I wanted. I quickly became upset with myself  for them not turning out like I wanted them too and was searching for the answer to what went wrong. I then discovered that the cream cheese I had grabbed for the frosting ended up being the fat free kind. What could I do? My son was just simply excited that I had made him cupcakes and that I put blue sprinkles on top. So, I sucked it up and knew that they would taste good anyways, so why worry. They can't all be perfect.

A Success Story

As mentioned in my previous post, I struggle with what I should write about. This week, it was like a light bulb clicked on: I picked the name for my blog for a reason, so I should write about just that. I love visiting with others and learning from and encouraging one another in the areas that we have in common. Therefore, I will be sharing the day to day of my 'exciting' life. :) I hope you enjoy!

My drive for perfection mixed with my cumplusive tendencies can really add stress to my every day life. This past week I was preparring for a sewing class that I was hosting in my home. Opening up my home has been a step for me since I have often felt that it is very small. However, since I know how important having fellowship with friends is in my life, the 'small' feel of my home is not as hindering. Monday and Tuesday, I busily worked on cleaning the house, getting a few supplies, baking some goodies, and mulitiple other activities. My list only seemed to grow instead of shrink, especially when you throw 3 wonderful kids into there :). By Tuesday night, I was pretty sure that I would be up all night. I was standing in the kitchen, looking at my list, exhausted from the day and having had to fight to get the boys in bed, when I let out a deep sigh. I looked around my little house seeing all sorts of 'messes' and looked back to my list. I grabbed a pen and starting marking things off, not because they were done, but because I realized that they weren't important. The 5 baskets of unfolded clean clothes had already sat in the kitchen for 2 or 3 days, so what was 1 more (now 3) stacked nicely, out off sight in our closet. After all, that is what closets are good for, right?

While this may seem like a very simple task to some, it was difficult for me, but what a great weight I felt lifted off my shoulders by simply telling myself that it was OK. I had also hoped to actually complete my project before my 'students' came over, but again, that just wasn't going to happen unless I wanted to stay up later. And besides, that was part of the fun with my friends, working on our aprons together. I had a wonderful day visiting with friends, helping them put together fun aprons, and listening to busy kids playing, without thinking about unaccomplished tasks or feeling exhausted.

This is one small success story for me. Thank you to my friends who shared their time and company with me Wednesday and didn't judge me or my little home!!

Parenting

Here I sit. It is "Nap/Quiet" time in my house. This translates to Raia sleeping peacefully in one room while Mommy tries to ignore the noise and mess being made in the boys' room, where they are supposed to be having quiet time. So as I ignore the noise, I will blog a bit. I haven't written anything lately due to my OCD and feeling like I should have something interesting to write about first. Trying to work past that. So, I was doing my hair this morning and talking to myself in the mirror, (ya, I do that) and I found myself on the topic of parenting so what better to blog about.

Parenting is tough. I can remember back to being a young girl and thinking that all I ever wanted to be was a Mommy. I enjoyed babysitting and even with the occasional bratty child thrown in, I never imagined how tough it would be. Of course, those kids weren't mine 24/7, 365 days a year. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a Mommy and wouldn't trade it for anything, but boy does it take it out of me some days. I mean, I have to be SO consistant and SO patient, especially when it comes to punishment.

Ah, punishment. I do believe in spanking, but as my boys got older, and as I discovered a very strong-willed stubborn side of one son, I discovered a side of me that I didn't like. I never thought that a child laughing at me upon receiving a spanking could enrage me so fast. I hated that feeling. So timeouts it is. I hate timeouts because they make me feel like I am in timeout too. And again, consistancy. I have to stick to it and honestly, sometimes I am just lazy. But, I have gotten better. No threats and NO counting; I don't like the counting thing, personally. Now that the boys are older, I also talk much more with them about privilages and consequences. They know that good behavior is rewarded and that bad choices have consequences. Again, consistancy in making sure I stick to what I say (and Dad too) can be tough, especially on the days where it seems that all they want to do is make bad choices and ignore me all day long!! I have decided to make a list of the common consequences I will use, as I hate having to think on the spur of the moment. And even now, as I have been using this method, I am at a loss as to what really "upsets" the boys enough to be taken away as punishment and for them to actually learn. I feel like they don't even care anymore as to what the consequence will be. And nothing is more frustrating than feeling like they aren't getting it and it seeming like they never will.

Funny story from Christmas day. An aunt of my husband's commented about us being strict parents, as Justin was putting Patrik in timeout. I found this amusing as I don't think of us as strict parents. We simply expect that our kids listen and behave appropriately in their surroundings. I guess it was amusing to his family as he is such a goof a lot of the times.

As I hear the "quiet time" boys getting louder, which will undoubtably wake my peacefully sleeping daughter, I will wrap up with this. I definetly don't expect my kids to be perfect. I have to watch how I react and how I teach them to not make them feel like they need to be perfect. I struggled with that until I "found" myself 3 years ago (a whole story for another time). I will continue to take advice from friends and family who have walked the road and are currently walking the road I am on. I love my kiddos a whole lot and know that one day down the road, I will longingly look back to these days and wish I was only struggling with time-outs. :)

Happy Parenting!!