I have already been on an emotional roller coaster this week. I pretty much live on one, so maybe a better description would be that the start of this week took me to a high point (excitement for a new week, business stuff, etc) but quickly dropped me to a low point, in what seemed like a 90 degree drop. It was one of the fastest drops I have had in awhile. As I continued to sulk yesterday, I decided to really think about what I was feeling and what had brought these feelings on. This was hard, as I don't always like finding the truth.
First, I've been having a rough time with my oldest son, which is hard for me as he has always been my easy-going well behaved child. After biting his sister twice (yes, leaving teeth marks) and making a mess with blue paint, I exploded. I found myself actually thinking, 'maybe I do want to go back to the working world' (which I hate). This leads right to another issue. ME TIME! After going through a long post pardom and self-discovery period 3 years ago, I know that I love being with my kids but have to make time for me, which has gotten less and less with 3 kids. Yesterday, this was bumming me because I have been excited to get back to the gym (where I get free childcare thanks to having a membership, which we were given for Christmas) for ME time after a few weeks of the kids and I being sick. After going for a short time, I headed to the gas station before heading home. Boo on gas prices!! I try to not complain (too much) about things that are out of my control, but I had to fight tears the whole way home. I couldn't justify spending the money on simple back and forth driving for me to go to the gym. 'Great,' I thought, 'another thing I have to sacrifice.' Selfish, I know, but it is real.
Lastly, I discovered the need for approval side creeping up again. I know this is a human part of all of us in one way or another, but I spent a lot of time in my younger years, striving for perfection in the effort to be who other's wanted me to be. I have dealt with a mixture of emotions around my drive to work my sewing business. I have days of pure joy and excitement with it as it is something I truly enjoy doing (and allows for a bit of ME time). But then, I have days like yesterday, where I am hit with sadness because I feel a lack of support from those who I value a lot. There it is, that people pleasing side trying to poke through. I am glad I caught it kinda early, as the more it pushes out, the more I lose who I am. Even now, I struggle with writing this blog as I don't want to hurt any one's feelings or have anyone think badly of me, but this is REAL. I hate fake and the energy it takes to be fake. I am already feeling better upon getting my thoughts out of my head and allowing myself to cry and be honest with myself. I also 'know' that I am not the only one in this big world who struggles with these feelings and that is why I write, to make even one other person feel better knowing (actually 'hearing' another person tell their story) they aren't alone. In fact, seeing a facebook post last night of someone feeling this same way is what helped inspire me to write this blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!
I LOVE MY KIDS and I know that I am right where I need to be!! I would love it to be an easy cake walk (mmm, cake), but I know that isn't realistic. When is life easy, right?
Never Alone! I'm sure you feel ten times better! Being real can sometimes turn people off! But you will also see who is a "real" friend when they stick by when we are at or lowest! The funny situation from this is that I have been working from home for almost 6 years now and have been trying to quit and just become a stay at home mom. But with 4 kids, and my husband being comfortable where he's at it won't happen for awhile! We all seem to think we're on such different paths as mommies. It's very easy to pull off perfect on the outside, even when we're hurting on the inside. But it's a lot healthier to let it all out, and look for healing! I know talking helped me. Still struggiling as things can't change over night. But we will both get through this!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you've had a rough week, but I totally appreciate your complete honesty. I was actually going to call you last minute on Monday night to see if you wanted to go out just cuz I needed me time and had spend the whole afternoon in tears. You're definitely not alone my friend.
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