My Patrik

I had had a different blog in mind this morning when I woke up than the one I find myself typing now. But as I strive to be real with myself and the world around me, the blogs I write in my head often take on a new 'look' once I actually sit down to type. I am shaking with so many thoughts and emotions right now that I can't type quick enough. I know I will be having to edit this one so it doesn't read as a jumbled mess. I begin with a little back story.

On July 27th, 2007, I woke up (after having gotten a wonderful nights rest) and I just knew that it was the day we would meet our 2nd son. I told my hubby he wouldn't be working and I called my mother-in-law (who was also my midwife) to let her know that today was the day. Knowing how quickly my labor with my first had been, she insisted I get to her home right away. She was anxiously pacing as we arrived about an hour later (hey, my house needed a quick clean and she was only 5 min. away). Things were quick and smooth and within 4 hours, I was holding my beautiful Patrik. The mood quickly changed as I was hemorrhaging and before I knew it I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I felt fine throughout all of this, and it really ended up being nothing major, but it wasn't the way I envisioned our life with 2 kids beginning. Once home, I began the mommy life of caring for an infant and a 16-month old. Patrik was different. Very Different. I labeled him as being so difficult because he wasn't as easy as his brother had been: Great, right out of the gate I was comparing him to his big brother. Nothing seemed to be going right this time and I began a downward spiral into postpartum depression. I refused to admit this to anyone, including myself, as I had always wanted to be a mom and I couldn't understand why I would be having the feelings I was having. The harder I tried to figure things out and fix things, the more confused I became and the farther down I spiraled. Seven long months later, I finally reached out for help and began to climb up out of my dark pit of depression. That wasn't the end, however for today's sake, it is.

As Patrik has grown into the little man he is, I have struggled. He is so strong-willed and yet so sensitive. I already see a drive for perfection in him that I know I have pushed on him and it eats at me. I have spent so much of my young life trying to be perfect for everyone and to see how this is already taking root in my son, well, I just cry and feel as though I have failed him. I know I don't love him any less than his big brother but I struggle with feelings of distance as I look back over his first few years and don't see the same bonding as I had with my first. I found myself comparing him to his brother instead of treating him like the uniquely special little boy God created and blessed us with. Honestly, the light bulb clicked on just today how much he is like me.

All of this (and more I am sure) has brought me to a bit of a melt-down today. I am feeling failure, helplessness, regret, and overwhelming sadness. BUT more than all of that, I AM THANKFUL FOR MY WONDERFUL SON, PATRIK JAYMES!! He is one of my most special gifts from God and whom I have been entrusted with to raise and teach. I have peace in knowing that it is OK that I am not perfect and that I can change and be a better mommy to my precious boy! While these past few years have been tough, they have also helped me find the REAL me and continue to teach me and help me grow into a much better person. Thank you God for your strength and your un-ending love for me!! Thank you for all you are teaching me and will continue to teach me through Patrik!! Thank You for My Patrik!!

 I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU PATRIK!!