Trust

Trust. A powerful word. It takes time to establish but can be lost in a split second. The closer you get to someone, the more trust you give them and the easier it becomes to be hurt. But we have to remember that we are human, and therefore not perfect. I know that I have dealt with trust issues in multiple types of relationships, and I know that I have certainly hurt people I care about and damaged the trust we had.

What about God? I was taught at a young age to trust God for all our needs. As I grew up, I saw ways that He did and my trust and faith grew. Fast forward a bit, to the late summer of 2007 to be exact, and I found myself somewhere I NEVER thought I would be: quickly sinking into a deep postpartum depression. As I sank, fighting hard to keep my mask on straight and hide this flaw from those around me, I quickly began to turn my anger towards God. The more time that past, the more I wanted nothing to do with church or God. The past 4 years have been a very steep, very challenging up-hill climb (including several big falls) as I have learned much about myself and have wanted to find my joy in Christ again. The past 6 months have definitely held some excellent growth in this area and I have been feeling in a much better place spiritually than I have in a long time. BUT, I have still been struggling with truly trusting God to provide and seeing Him as faithful. This past Wednesday, while at Bible study, Beth Moore said a few words that have not stopped ringing in my head: I have stopped trusting God, because He hasn't done what I wanted Him to do. That was it. Those few words hit the nail square on the head as to where I am at. I had gotten back into church, a Bible study and fellowship with others, but I have been keeping my heart locked away, not allowing myself to trust so as to not be disappointed again. I felt convicted and yet oddly freed at the same time. I have been repeating these words over and over: He has never stopped being faithful to me or my family. He has never stopped providing for me or my family. My anger, frustration, loss of trust in Him has all been because I have not gotten my way. I refused to see the good things He has done because I put all my energy into 'demanding' big things from God and then hardening my heart more and more when these things didn't happen. Even now, as I type these words and thoughts, they sound silly. But it is my reality. Now that I have such a clear picture in my head (it is strangely similar to my daughter's tantrums), it makes it easier for me to work through it and catch the negative thoughts before they run away with me.

Whew. As tough as learning something you need to change about yourself can be, I also enjoy the happiness and relief that comes with it. Finally recognizing the wrong, acknowledging it, getting over the mountain and pressing forward really feels good. Ya, I know I will face this obstacle again (and again and again as I believe I am a slow learner here), but I am so glad that God will still be there. Thank You God for Loving me!! Thank you for not giving up on me!!