Tears

I have already been on an emotional roller coaster this week. I pretty much live on one, so maybe a better description would be that the start of this week took me to a high point (excitement for a new week, business stuff, etc) but quickly dropped me to a low point, in what seemed like a 90 degree drop. It was one of the fastest drops I have had in awhile. As I continued to sulk yesterday, I decided to really think about what I was feeling and what had brought these feelings on. This was hard, as I don't always like finding the truth.

First, I've been having a rough time with my oldest son, which is hard for me as he has always been my easy-going well behaved child. After biting his sister twice (yes, leaving teeth marks) and making a mess with blue paint, I exploded. I found myself actually thinking, 'maybe I do want to go back to the working world' (which I hate). This leads right to another issue. ME TIME! After going through a long post pardom and self-discovery period 3 years ago, I know that I love being with my kids but have to make time for me, which has gotten less and less with 3 kids. Yesterday, this was bumming me because I have been excited to get back to the gym (where I get free childcare thanks to having a membership, which we were given for Christmas) for ME time after a few weeks of the kids and I being sick. After going for a short time, I headed to the gas station before heading home. Boo on gas prices!! I try to not complain (too much) about things that are out of my control, but I had to fight tears the whole way home. I couldn't justify spending the money on simple back and forth driving for me to go to the gym. 'Great,' I thought, 'another thing I have to sacrifice.' Selfish, I know, but it is real.

Lastly, I discovered the need for approval side creeping up again. I know this is a human part of all of us in one way or another, but I spent a lot of time in my younger years, striving for perfection in the effort to be who other's wanted me to be. I have dealt with a mixture of emotions around my drive to work my sewing business. I have days of pure joy and excitement with it as it is something I truly enjoy doing (and allows for a bit of ME time). But then, I have days like yesterday, where I am hit with sadness because I feel a lack of support from those who I value a lot. There it is, that people pleasing side trying to poke through. I am glad I caught it kinda early, as the more it pushes out, the more I lose who I am. Even now, I struggle with writing this blog as I don't want to hurt any one's feelings or have anyone think badly of me, but this is REAL. I hate fake and the energy it takes to be fake. I am already feeling better upon getting my thoughts out of my head and allowing myself to cry and be honest with myself. I also 'know' that I am not the only one in this big world who struggles with these feelings and that is why I write, to make even one other person feel better knowing (actually 'hearing' another person tell their story) they aren't alone. In fact, seeing a facebook post last night of someone feeling this same way is what helped inspire me to write this blog. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!

I LOVE MY KIDS and I know that I am right where I need to be!! I would love it to be an easy cake walk (mmm, cake), but I know that isn't realistic. When is life easy, right?

Hello April

A new month is starting today. I love the start of things. They make me feel like I can have a fresh start to the goals I had in previous months but didn't accomplish. I really like schedules and used to live by them a lot more than I do now. I have been trying to get back to one for both my kids benefit, and for mine. This schedule (which I wrote out and had hoped to start last month) involves gym time for mommy every day, school and craft time with my boys, and just general play and peace time with my kids. I love being a mommy but realize that I am a better mommy when I have the structure that I function well in. So, even though this morning hasn't started in the best way yet, I am determined to make this a successful month for me and my little family. :) And, since I know that it won't always work exactly as I foresee, I will also be working on my own personal growth in handling the days that don't go as I would like. To a new month .. Happy April!!