Happy New Year!! I know, I know .. I am a little behind, LOL! I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday season and are welcoming another new year of adventure. I sure did :). I have been wanting to write for a few weeks now, but that obviously hasn't happened. As I woke this morning and began thinking about the person we remember today, along with his famous dream speech, I couldn't help but think of my own dreams for this new year. What better day to jump back into the blogging scene than today.
As I have shared some in previous posts, I have definitely spent quite a bit of time living without much hope in the past few years. Having no hope sure takes away a person's ability to dream much. I didn't like that feeling. The last few months of last year, I worked on living with faith, hope and just an overall positive attitude. It is certainly a better feeling. To help with my focus, one of my goals for this year is to keep a journal, specifically a prayer journal. I all too often am quick to forget the many blessings and answered prayers in my life and want to be better about that. I also plan to journal my goals and dreams, no matter how little or how big. I want to teach my children to have goals and dreams that they work towards achieving. I want to be an example to show them that even when the road to those dreams and goals are rocky, slower than they expected, or maybe need a re-adjustment, to still have hope and faith. This is just one of my goals this year and I am excited to finally write the other dreams and goals floating in my head onto the pages in my journal today, a day dedicated to a man with a big dream.
I have a few big dreams for this year that I admit already feel like I won't see come true BUT I choose to hold onto hope and push those feelings aside. 2012 is yet another year I am blessed to be alive and I look forward to the journey ahead of me! Happy Dreaming to each of you!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Trust
Trust. A powerful word. It takes time to establish but can be lost in a split second. The closer you get to someone, the more trust you give them and the easier it becomes to be hurt. But we have to remember that we are human, and therefore not perfect. I know that I have dealt with trust issues in multiple types of relationships, and I know that I have certainly hurt people I care about and damaged the trust we had.
What about God? I was taught at a young age to trust God for all our needs. As I grew up, I saw ways that He did and my trust and faith grew. Fast forward a bit, to the late summer of 2007 to be exact, and I found myself somewhere I NEVER thought I would be: quickly sinking into a deep postpartum depression. As I sank, fighting hard to keep my mask on straight and hide this flaw from those around me, I quickly began to turn my anger towards God. The more time that past, the more I wanted nothing to do with church or God. The past 4 years have been a very steep, very challenging up-hill climb (including several big falls) as I have learned much about myself and have wanted to find my joy in Christ again. The past 6 months have definitely held some excellent growth in this area and I have been feeling in a much better place spiritually than I have in a long time. BUT, I have still been struggling with truly trusting God to provide and seeing Him as faithful. This past Wednesday, while at Bible study, Beth Moore said a few words that have not stopped ringing in my head: I have stopped trusting God, because He hasn't done what I wanted Him to do. That was it. Those few words hit the nail square on the head as to where I am at. I had gotten back into church, a Bible study and fellowship with others, but I have been keeping my heart locked away, not allowing myself to trust so as to not be disappointed again. I felt convicted and yet oddly freed at the same time. I have been repeating these words over and over: He has never stopped being faithful to me or my family. He has never stopped providing for me or my family. My anger, frustration, loss of trust in Him has all been because I have not gotten my way. I refused to see the good things He has done because I put all my energy into 'demanding' big things from God and then hardening my heart more and more when these things didn't happen. Even now, as I type these words and thoughts, they sound silly. But it is my reality. Now that I have such a clear picture in my head (it is strangely similar to my daughter's tantrums), it makes it easier for me to work through it and catch the negative thoughts before they run away with me.
Whew. As tough as learning something you need to change about yourself can be, I also enjoy the happiness and relief that comes with it. Finally recognizing the wrong, acknowledging it, getting over the mountain and pressing forward really feels good. Ya, I know I will face this obstacle again (and again and again as I believe I am a slow learner here), but I am so glad that God will still be there. Thank You God for Loving me!! Thank you for not giving up on me!!
What about God? I was taught at a young age to trust God for all our needs. As I grew up, I saw ways that He did and my trust and faith grew. Fast forward a bit, to the late summer of 2007 to be exact, and I found myself somewhere I NEVER thought I would be: quickly sinking into a deep postpartum depression. As I sank, fighting hard to keep my mask on straight and hide this flaw from those around me, I quickly began to turn my anger towards God. The more time that past, the more I wanted nothing to do with church or God. The past 4 years have been a very steep, very challenging up-hill climb (including several big falls) as I have learned much about myself and have wanted to find my joy in Christ again. The past 6 months have definitely held some excellent growth in this area and I have been feeling in a much better place spiritually than I have in a long time. BUT, I have still been struggling with truly trusting God to provide and seeing Him as faithful. This past Wednesday, while at Bible study, Beth Moore said a few words that have not stopped ringing in my head: I have stopped trusting God, because He hasn't done what I wanted Him to do. That was it. Those few words hit the nail square on the head as to where I am at. I had gotten back into church, a Bible study and fellowship with others, but I have been keeping my heart locked away, not allowing myself to trust so as to not be disappointed again. I felt convicted and yet oddly freed at the same time. I have been repeating these words over and over: He has never stopped being faithful to me or my family. He has never stopped providing for me or my family. My anger, frustration, loss of trust in Him has all been because I have not gotten my way. I refused to see the good things He has done because I put all my energy into 'demanding' big things from God and then hardening my heart more and more when these things didn't happen. Even now, as I type these words and thoughts, they sound silly. But it is my reality. Now that I have such a clear picture in my head (it is strangely similar to my daughter's tantrums), it makes it easier for me to work through it and catch the negative thoughts before they run away with me.
Whew. As tough as learning something you need to change about yourself can be, I also enjoy the happiness and relief that comes with it. Finally recognizing the wrong, acknowledging it, getting over the mountain and pressing forward really feels good. Ya, I know I will face this obstacle again (and again and again as I believe I am a slow learner here), but I am so glad that God will still be there. Thank You God for Loving me!! Thank you for not giving up on me!!
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