Friday Feelings

This morning I was running errands. I have been better about making sure the station I am listening to is appropriate for my kids as they definitely repeat a lot now a days, so we were listening to Way FM. This song came on and it was the first time I had heard it, and upon hearing the first few words I quickly turned it up to hear it. Then tears started welling in my eyes (not so great when driving).

Throughout my life, I have been hurt by many. Many within churches.

Throughout my life, I have hurt many. Intentionally or not.

As a parent, our culture scares me at times. The stuff my kids will be facing seems so much bigger than what I faced. There is so much hurt and anger. And arguing.

I value being able to have my own opinions. I value my family. I value having friends. I value having joy and happiness in my life. I value being different.

Lately, I have been catching myself in the words that I use, in an effort to not only help myself but also to teach my children (ie., I want vs. I need). I have also been catching my thoughts here and there, especially in reaction to 'News'. An honest truth: When listening to the story about the Arvada theater shooting, I heard them talking about those who were in the theater. I remember hearing them mention a mom who was there with her very young (2-4 months old) baby, and my first thought (spoken aloud to the TV) was, "Really?! She took her infant to a late night premier of a movie?!" Really Tonya?! I literally stopped myself as I couldn't believe that I chose at that moment to judge someone.

I'm human. I often fail.

I desire so much to teach my kids to LOVE! To just LOVE. I desire to live this way as to teach them. I don't have to agree with you. You don't have to agree with me. But I can love you. I can help you. We can still be friends. We will always be family.

This song just so nicely said how I have been feeling lately with so much 'controversy' being created and fed to us through the numerous social outlets of our day.

So, I got home. Sat down at my computer and searched for the song on YouTube. Played it and began blogging some of my thoughts. The song is below. Please enjoy. Maybe grab a tissue.

This blog is a bit jumbled for my usual likeness (read as need for perfection), but I just wanted to share my heart this morning. So, judge if you must ;). But know that if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU!! 

The Wind is A Blowing

If nothing ever changes then nothing ever changes.

Change is always happening. The world is constantly changing. The seasons change. We Change. It is an inevitable part of life and sometimes a hard thing to accept or process.

This is true for me as I looked back over my blog to find 2 earlier posts talking about Change, here and here. I know I have sat down many times to write a blog and it centered around change so I didn't finish it. Even now, I feel like it may be repetitive. BUT .. this is where I am.

I truly believe I have gotten better at dealing with change. Even if only a little bit. As I think back over the past year, I can recall a wide variety of transitions in our lives; some small, some big. I definitely have worked hard on having faith and looking optimistically at the situation. This is partly due to my boys getting older and seeing how much my actions and emotions are shaping them. And, well, it really does alleviate stress, which feels good.

In the past 2 weeks, a big gust of wind blew in some changes. It was quick and left me feeling a bit out of sorts as I worked to process it all. At first, I tried to tell myself that I wasn't stressing about it, but that is a lie. You see, when life throws change at me, my instinct is to start grabbing hold of the things I can control (or that I think I can control). Change often means I have to let go of something or takes me outside of my comfort zone, which can lead to me feeling like my world is spinning out of control.

Control. Another 'C' word that I struggle with. It is often how I realize something is stressing me out. My OCD starts rising to the surface and the more chaotic my life seems to be, the more I try to control. A vicious cycle that generally results in a not so pretty break down. I am learning to see the signs earlier, to talk or write out my emotions (usually both), and ultimately work on ending this cycle. I'm not perfect and I don't have it all figured out, but I do believe the first step is always recognizing and admitting the struggle.

Here I sit. A whirlwind of possibilities swirling in my head. The winds of change are still blowing. I'm scared. I'm excited. I choose to trust. To be positive. To live each day as it comes and not let the winds blow me into the 'what-ifs' of tomorrow.

Life is Change. Growth is Optional. Choose Wisely.